Paul Kidd – An Official History

Originally spawned in the Pre Cambrian era, Paul was forced to evolve when the Burgess Shale creatures petitioned for him to go away and stop bugging them. He then moved onto land, made a small hut out of trilobite husks, and composed over three hundred symphonies – most of them performed by throwing rocks at the Burgess shale creatures.

Having a deep affinity with bugs, Paul later declared himself to be lord of all cockroaches, and tried to start a boy-band composed entirely of millipedes and velvet worms. Their first three albums met with minimal success. Deciding to wait for more complex life forms to evolve, Paul began chasing various animals with a stick until dinosaurs and reptilian mammals finally grew organised enough to ask him to stop.

The next few aeons passed in a blur – mostly due to the Koolosuchus community’s invention of ‘scrumpy’. There is a vague blur of notes in his diary – mostly concerning recipes for lemur. He does not seem to have made any clear notes until somewhere in the 19th century, where he invented the walrus moustache in an attempt to allow insane British Generals to feed themselves by straining krill from the oceans. His strenuous efforts during world war 1 were largely ignored by the public, who found his proposed attempt to outflank the Kaiser by sending an expedition underneath the North pole both bewildering and futile. They were laughing on the other side of their faces, however, when the tunnel allowed an elite team of drunken Koolosuchi and burgess shale creatures to erupt into the Kaiser’s HQ and steal all the food out of his fridge. The Kaiser was forced to spend the rest of the war living on krill he strained out of the Baltic with his moustache – an irony that is said to have left Mr Kidd quite bitter and extremely testy.

Between the wars, Kidd was a gun runner, smuggling war surplus machine guns to a school of turbots based somewhere off the Grand banks. They paid him largely in cod roe – which, once they hatched, gave Kidd a soulless army of rabid cod the likes of which the world has never seen.

Kidd spends much of his time training his cod army for world domination. he also brews unsavoury scrumpy, which he drinks in the company of a variety of extinct wildlife.

He has never been officially romantically linked with any member of the Albanian royal family.

 

 

 

“The management wishes to apologise for an inaccuracy in the so-called ‘official history’. The Kaiser did NOT survive WW1 by straining krill from the Baltic ocean. The Baltic ocean’s ambient temperature is too low to support sufficient of these life forms. Clearly there are not enough krill present to feed a fat little German man. Instead, he used his whiskers to sift the ocean ooze for nutritious molluscs.”Thank you…

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